|Pregnancy the Elephant in Blog World|
Warning: Depressive content. This is really hard for me to share with you all. It is a sensitive subject with everyone. Understand that these are only my feelings. I don't want to offend anyone but I just needed to share my feelings in hoping that I may feel better. I think I have read this 10 times and have anxiety pressing the publish button but here it goes.
Good Morning! I apologize for being MIA lately, I have kind of been struggling a little bit lately. I titled this blog post "The Big Elephant in Blog World" this elephant's name is Pregnancy (for those of us who struggle getting pregnant). It seems lately that everyone in the blogging world is announcing they are pregnant, giving 'bump' updates, talking about their experiences and talking about children. Don't get me wrong I am so extremely thrilled for them and so happy for their new journey in life. However, for those of us who are struggling getting pregnant it can be a stab in your heart every time you see a blog post or a status update on Facebook about babies. Today I would like to talk about something that has been really hard for me the last couple of years and getting harder day by day and that is Infertility and my journey with Infertility.
My husband and I were married four years ago, we knew that we didn't want to get pregnant right away so I went on birth control like many other newly married couples. Growing up no one really talks about Infertility and not being able to get pregnant so I didn't think it was going to be that hard and that I could get off birth control and get pregnant right away. Boy was I naive! After a couple of months I was starting to get really emotional and felt like my husband couldn't do anything right and just really rude. I talked to a couple of friends who said that their birth control made them really moody and when they got off they weren't as moody. So I got off of it right away, hoping that would help and my husband and I could go back to being happy. This worked for us as a couple but little did I know that it caused some other issues inside. I started gaining a lot of weight, I started having irregular periods and with each month there was no pregnancy. I was confused and frustrated as to why I wasn't getting pregnant with not being on birth control or using protection. I tried doctor after doctor to figure out what was wrong but with each one they gave me a shot to force my period to start and sent me on my way. There was no taking the the time to help me figure out what was going on. I was frustrated and sick of doctors and not helping. I finally went to a doctor that a friend of mine went to with the same issue and he really helped. her. He did an ultrasound and found cysts all over my ovaries and told me that I had PCOS = Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which if you look it up online it is condition in which a woman have an imbalance of a female sex hormones. This may lead to menstrual cycle changes, cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other health changes. Knowing this made things clearer in my life but also made things a lot harder. My doctor told me that with PCOS it makes it a lot more difficult to get pregnant and depending on the severity of the cysts I might not be able to get pregnant at all. This was the hardest thing for me to hear in my life, I wanted children so bad and I felt like I was ready to have children but this was stopping me. My doctor suggested some things that we could do to remove the cysts and see if that would help, we tried three different things and none of those worked. I got so discouraged and depressed and just so alone. I felt like everyone else was able to go through this wonderful journey of having children but I was having to watch and pretend I was fine. My husband of course being the sweet man he was tried to help me and make me feel better but he just didn't understand what I was going through. It got harder and harder to attend family dinners and having my sister-in-laws talk about their children and especially when my younger sister-in-law got pregnant having them talk about pregnancy and what she should be feeling and going through and then labor. Every time this is talked about my heart aches so bad and I feel like there is something missing within me. My sweet sister-in-law Natalie came up to me and said, "I now have a small understanding of how it feels to not be pregnant. It's like having something you want the most out of anything being just ripped right out of your hands or dangling in front of you and you not being able to have it. I am so sorry for what you are going through" You are exactly right Natalie. I am so grateful that she said this it is was so sweet of her. Again, I am so happy for them in their lives and that they have their children and I love their children to death. I don't want people to stop talking about their children or announcing that they are pregnant because it is a glorious thing and they should share it. I just wanted people to know how hard it is to go through Infertility.
I am sorry for being a downer on a Monday but I felt like it was time to share my Infertility journey. This is really hard for me to share because I don't want people to take it the wrong way. For those that are pregnant I am so extremely happy for you, I can't wait for you to go through that journey and to see your precious babies! For those that are struggling, join me, you are not alone, we can get through this together. We can share what we have gone through and what has or hasn't worked for us. Lets kick this Infertility battle in the butt!!!
Oh. P.S. my husband got a job!!! Yay, it is a great job with awesome pay and great benefits. I couldn't be happier!!!